


Known By A Different Name

by HighWarlockOfCamelot



Category: Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: F/F, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, Religious Fanaticism, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Susan Pevensie Never Forgot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 17:25:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14193945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighWarlockOfCamelot/pseuds/HighWarlockOfCamelot
Summary: Aslan told Peter and Susan in their world he is known by a different name. Susan fears she may know who he is referring to.





	Known By A Different Name

**Author's Note:**

> This is in no way intended to put Christianity down, this is based off of my own experiences and the things that I have heard/thought/felt/believed as a closeted lesbian raised in the church. There is also one use of the h slur, just to warn you.

It had been a short few minutes since Aslan’s talk with Peter and Susan; he had told them that this was their final trip to Narnia. Peter, stubborn as ever, had protested at first, but eventually solemnly nodded and took the news the way any soldier he led took their orders. Susan’s head was filled with clouded emotions. She felt nauseous at the thought of losing Narnia, the place she called home when home was merely rubble and screams. It was her hope, and escape. He explained that they were becoming too old to be visiting Narnia, and that they needed to spend time in their own world. He told them that they could find a way into his country from their own world, but there he went by a different name. They would have to learn to know him by his name on Earth, and believe in him when he could not be seen. 

 

The celebrations of Caspian’s coronation went on as usual. Peter and Susan hid their disappointment well. Then came the time for them to go home. Aslan has built a door in the sky, a portal from Narnia to Earth. Aslan offered the Telmarines a chance to return to the world they came from, or to remain in Narnia, living at peace with the Old Narnians. When there were many speculations on the legitimacy of Aslan’s offer, Peter spoke up. Just as Aslan had told them to, he offered to go in their place. Peter broke the news to Lucy and Edmund that he and Susan would never return. They made their goodbyes and then they were off. 

 

Susan tried her best to hide her disappointment, although she was far less successful than Peter who was already joking with Ed on the train. 

 

“Are you okay?” Lucy asked Susan gently, placing her hand on her shoulder.

 

“Of course,” Susan gave a weak smile, “I knew this would happen someday. I didn’t think it would be today, but that is the way it had to work out I suppose” Lucy smiled back sympathetically and gave Susan a hug. 

 

“Did he tell you anything?” Lucy asked.

 

“Like what?”

 

“I don’t know, like if there is some way you can see him or our friends again?”

 

“Yes,” Susan admitted, “He said that he is known here by a different name, and we were to learn to know him by that”

 

“Do you have any idea what or who he meant?”

 

“Yes,” Susan said, with a bittersweet smile, “I think I might”

 

Ever since their conversation with Aslan, Susan couldn’t get it out of her mind. She knew almost instantly who he was referring to. She had heard of him thousands of times, from her family, from her teachers, from strangers on the train. His name often came with a smile, or a warm comfort. It would be said to bring hope to a crowd, or comfort to a widow. At this point, it had the opposite effect on Susan. When she heard it, her back would tense, and her breathing would stop for a moment. 

 

‘That couldn’t be Aslan’ she thought with a sort of defeat washing over her. 

 

She had spent so much of her life hiding. Feeling trapped, suffocated by her environment. Biting her tongue and taking it when she heard their sharp words. Each remark was like a strong blow to the chest, knocking the wind out of her. It had been merely days before they left she found herself sitting in the living room of her grandparents house, witnessing a sickening conversation between her parents and grandparents. 

 

“Honestly, they just need to arrest them all,” her grandfather had said “I’m getting sick of seeing them or hearing about them,”

 

“Did you talk to the police about it?” Her father asked, in a far too casual tone, barely bothering to turn and face his father.

 

“I tried. They say it takes a long time to have proof. What’s the point of having these laws if they won’t deal with the problem,”

 

“To be fair,” Susan’s mother interjected, “there is a war going on”

 

“And this is a war on God and all that is natural!” her grandfather said, now fuming, “These homosexuals are practically taking over while the government is distracted. I’m sure that all this went on before, but they barely bother to hide it anymore. It’s becoming ridiculous. Just this past month I’ve seen two men kissing, then two women. And the police have done nothing”

 

“I have a friend at the police station,” her father said, “I’ll speak to him about the matter. Perhaps he can do something about these heathens.”

 

“Let’s hope so” her grandfather grumbled, bringing his pipe up to his mouth.

 

Her frantic thoughts of whether or not her theories on Aslan’s identity in her world were true were replaced by an exhausted grief and sorrow. She mourned the loss of her escape, the place she once thought to be safe. She could never know Aslan in this world; Narnia had been her only opportunity. A mere fact about who she was separated her from the only place she had ever felt at home.

 

It felt like all her options were gone. She had tried to change, from the moment she had any comprehension of who she was. Her childhood crushes went unnoticed for the longest time, until it hit her like a truck. 

 

Margaret was in the grade above her in school. She had hair the colour of cinnamon, and eyes that shone like amber. Her face was peppered with freckles, and her nose scrunched up when she smiled. Susan smiled at the thought of her, and Margaret’s intoxicating laugh made her melt. That’s when Susan realized she liked girls. 

 

But if it wasn’t a week later she had heard and understood the comments. The sheer disgust at the thought of two girls, or two boys falling in love. The mockery at the thought of a relationship like that. 

 

It had been three years now, she’d been hiding. She knew that there were many who had been hiding longer, but the exhaustion still built up. When she was in Narnia, she was so much calmer. Perhaps she still had to hide from her three siblings but with the freedom of Narnia, she could survive it. But now, she was on her own. Susan had never felt so alone.Without the hope of ever seeing Narnia again, she submerged herself in her surroundings. 

 

As the years went by she could almost feel parts of her soul disintegrating. When the others asked about Narnia, she pretended she didn’t remember; opting to act like it was a game they played when they were younger. It was as if she thought that she convinced them she could not remember it, maybe she truly would forget. When her siblings died, she felt as if her whole world shattered into a million pieces. While others took comfort in the belief they would be reconnected after death, Susan felt the severe pain of losing them, as well as the pain of losing Narnia all over again. 

 

That’s not to say she didn’t have a good life; she fell head over heels for an incredible woman, made friends with people who loved her for who she was, traveled the world, and was eventually able to get married. She had been with Maria since 1962, when they met at a bar. They celebrated their commitment with their close friends in 1968, and when they were 86 finally got married. Maria was Susan’s whole world. Susan never thought she would find love, let alone get married.

 

Over the years both Susan and Maria came to the realization that neither God nor Aslan had ever hated them. They had been warped by the people who spoke of them. Susan never forgot Narnia. How could she? And after nearly 70 years she realized that she was loved for who she was, not despite it. 

 

When Susan died, she awoke in Narnia, pulled into an embrace by those she loved. 

 


End file.
